• Dutifulness: Marriage, dutifulness and disobedience
I met my husband when he was studying in the United States. He gave me literature about Islam and I became convinced of its truth. Shortly afterward, I became a Muslim. However, when we got married, my father-in-law did not approve of our marriage. He continues to be angry with his son. My husband has tried hard to persuade his father to accept our marriage. Still the same attitude persists. My husband is deeply hurt because he wants to show his dutifulness to his father, but he is rebuffed every time. Do you think we have done something wrong? Is my husband in a sinful position for disobeying his father?
We have to distinguish between dutifulness and absolute obedience to one's parents. You can be highly dutiful, but you do not necessarily obey everything your parents say. After all, parents are not infallible. They are human beings who are liable to err. If you know that your father is mistaken, or in error, and you follow what he says, then you are accountable for his bidding. He does not bear the responsibility for your action, although it is he who has ordered you to do it. He is responsible for his action, which is telling you to disobey Allah, but you are also responsible for what you do, which is disobeying Allah.
Again, it is highly important from the Islamic point of view to strive to please one's parents. Kindness to parents is often mentioned in the Qur'an next to believing in the Oneness of Allah. The translation of the following verse is but one example: "Your Lord has decreed that you worship none other than Him, and that you show kindness to your parents" (17:23). Unfortunately, some people interpret that as a sort of negating of a son's or daughter's character and responsibility. This is not so. Ultimately, each one of us is accountable for his or her action. Hence, we must do only what we are convinced to be right and to please Allah.
In order to be dutiful to his parents, a grown-up son must treat them with kindness and respect. If he shows disrespect to his father in public, he is guilty of grave sin. If he is disrespectful to his father at home, he incurs Allah's displeasure. Now, deference to a father's opinion and proper respect of one's father do not necessarily mean total obedience in everything he says. A father may tell his son to do something in a particular way, but the son may find that it is far more beneficial to do it differently. He knows that his father would disapprove, but he may still do it.
He can try to win his father's acceptance, expressing respect and explaining the reasons for acting against his wishes. Quite often, a father would be willing to change his views. However, some people think that they are always right and they always know better. This is just too bad. If you have to contend with a father of this sort, you have to accept that you may have to disobey him on some occasions. If you do, Allah will judge your motives; not your father.
In your particular case, what you and your husband have done is right. Your husband simply married a woman of his choice, knowing that she is virtuous and a good Muslim. If his father disapproved, his father's opinion is only an advice. It is not the prerogative of a father to choose his son's wife. That prerogative belongs to the son, because he is old enough to be responsible for his actions. Moreover, marriage is a relationship for life and the view of the persons involved, i.e. the husband and wife, have paramount importance. If a father is not allowed to marry his daughter away without her consent, then a father has no authority to impose his view on his son with regard to his marriage. Yet, your father-in-law's view is understandable if he simply had wanted his son to marry from his own country. Nevertheless, he should broaden his mind to accept that it is not nationality which makes a woman more suitable as a wife. It is her character, her strength of faith and the care she takes of her husband. If your husband has no complaint on any of these counts, your father-in-law has nothing to justify his objections.
I believe that I have made it quite clear that your husband's position is not a sinful one for disobeying his father. Indeed, his father cannot order him to marry a particular woman. Moreover, now that your husband is married, his father must reconsider his position. He should realize that his son has not willfully disobeyed him but has given due importance to a certain fact, such as the position of his wife and the way he feels toward her. That is perfectly legitimate.
In the past, you have mentioned that it is permissible for men to dye their hair, but you have not clarified the position regarding a black dye. Indeed, you have tended to make it permissible, when the Prophet's advice was clearly quoted to avoid "black". Would you please review the verdict with this clarification?
You seem to be clear in your mind that using a black hair dye is not allowed in Islam. I feel you are being too strict. It is true that the Prophet has recommended Henna and Katam as the best material to use when dyeing hair, but there is nothing specific in the Hadith about prohibiting or discouraging the use of black dyes, except in a particular incident to which I will be presently referring. Henna is a plant which can be used for hair dye and which imparts to the hair a reddish color. Apparently, it is beneficial to hair, because it is used in making shampoo. Katam is a similar stuff but it gives the hair a darker color which is nearly black but with a touch of red. Some of the companions of the Prophet used to dye their hair using both these dyes or different ones. Abu Bakr used both Henna and Katam, while Umar used Henna alone.
What is important to guard against when dyeing one's hair is that there should be no attempt to give oneself a false appearance. It happened during the days of Umar that a man got married to a girl who was much younger than him. Shortly after the marriage, she discovered that he had dyed his hair to appear much younger. Her parents complained to Umar who reproached the man for giving a false appearance and ruled the marriage null and void. But there is no other restriction on using a black dye. Az-Zuhri says: "We used to dye our hair black when we had young faces. When wrinkles appeared and teeth dropped, we stopped." Some scholars say that using a black dye is permissible only during the time of war, because it gives an appearance of strength to the Muslim army. Other scholars say that it is permissible at all times.
The incident, which has come as the source of some confusion took place at the time of the conquest of Mecca by the Prophet. Abu Bakr brought his father to the Prophet to declare his adoption of Islam. Needless to say, Abu Bakr's father was an old man in his eighties. His hair had gone all gray, that you could not see a single black hair on his head. The Prophet gave instructions that his hair should be dyed, but he told his son "to avoid black". Scholars agree that this instruction by the Prophet did not indicate any prohibition. It simply takes care of the old man's position. If he were to dye his hair black, his appearance would have been ridiculous. The point was to change the total whiteness of his hair with something respectable. I hope I have clarified this subject.
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