• Marriage: Bridegroom staying in the house of bride
An ancient social custom in my part of the world differs from what prevails in most other places, in the sense that after marriage, it is the bridegroom who stays in the house of the bride. Some religious preachers from outside the city are now saying that this practice is contrary to the Qur'anic rulings. I heard a preacher saying in his Friday sermon that the Qur'an instructs a Muslim man who divorces his wife to keep her in his home during her waiting period. How can a man abide by this instruction if he stays in her house? Please comment.
I admit to my surprise that it is the social custom in your part of the world that after marriage the man stays in the woman's home. As you say, this is contrary to what prevails in most parts of the world. However, social traditions differ from one place to another and what is traditionally valued in one place may be horrifying to the population of another. Take for example the simple requirement of a dower made by the man to his prospective wife, as a requirement of the marriage contract. In some places, within the Muslim world, this is reversed because it is the wife's family who pays a dowry to the prospective husband. The larger the amount of the dowry, the better the husband they may be able to secure. In the situation you describe as prevailing in your city, it is the wife's family who is responsible to provide a home for the prospective married couple.
My surprise, however, is much greater at those preachers you have described claiming that this is forbidden in Islam and giving the hollow argument of what happens in case of divorce. I am here judging by your statement. What I would have expected preachers who have had a sound Islamic education to do is to emphasize the rights and duties of each of the two marriage partners. To do so, they would need to emphasize that every Muslim must support his wife, even if she is better off than him. He should provide her with accommodation, food, clothing and medical care according to his means. If he fails to do so, he is in breach of his duties and she may claim these by right. The best division of responsibilities in the family is that which the Prophet advised to his cousin, Ali and his daughter, Fatimah. The Prophet was the fairest of human beings. He treated all people on the basis of justice. Never did he favor any person if that meant being unfair to another. Indeed he could pay or incur a liability or responsibility which he need not have incurred, if that meant that everyone would get his fair share. He would not be unjust to his own daughter, nor would he be unjust to his cousin who was married to her, for anything in the world. The advice he gave them was that the man was responsible for what is done outside the house and the woman was responsible for what is inside. This means that she takes care of the family home and the upbringing of children, while he works and earns the living of the family.
Having said that, I add that it is permissible for Muslims, regardless of what relationship they may have, to give each other by way of gift whatever they wish. It is not wrong of anyone to accept a gift except where it means bribery. The Prophet himself accepted gifts, although he never accepted charity. If a woman makes a gift to her husband, he is free to accept it. This applies to her dower and to anything else she may have. She may give him a house to live in, or she may gift him with the usage of the house, retaining its possession herself. What is most important to realize in this regard is that the gift should be given freely, without pressure or coercion. If a husband insists on his wife to give him a gift, large or small, then he is doing something forbidden. But if she gives him the same thing or an ever better one freely, he incurs no blame for accepting it.
In your situation, perhaps it is best to look at the tradition in your part of the world as a gift being given by the bride's family to the bridegroom. As such, he is free to accept it. It is not uncommon in parts of the world, where accommodation is scarce, for a rich father to give his daughter a flat or a house as a gift. He may have a variety of reasons for doing so, including securing his daughter's future after his death. He may think that should problems arise in her marriage and she gets divorced, she will have something to fall back on and she will not be abandoned. If the daughter gets married, she is free to make her house the family home, in which case, the husband moves into her house.
Let us now turn to the situation which those preachers have mentioned and determine what are the responsibilities of the couple in case of divorce. When a man divorces his wife, by saying to her that he divorces her, she starts her waiting period which lasts until she has completed three menstrual periods or three periods of cleanliness from menstruation. If she does not menstruate, her term is three months. If she is pregnant, her waiting period lasts until she gives birth to her baby. During this time, she remains in the family home and her husband is not allowed to turn her out except in a case when she commits gross indecency. During her waiting period, the married couple may resume their marital relationship, which means the cancellation of the divorce and the reinstatement of the marriage. This does not require a new marriage contract or a fresh dower. It only requires the agreement of both parties to the new arrangement. This system serves multiple purposes. One purpose is to allow the separating man and wife, a chance to reconsider after tempers have cooled down. They will be facing the prospects of going their separate ways and the closer the time draws for their separation, they will be thinking hard about their future. They may reflect on what has happened and determine that it may be in their best interest or in the best interest of their children to be reunited.
If the man is living in the woman's home, this obviously cannot be done because it is he who will have to leave the house. In most cases, it will be determined that practicalities require that the man should leave. This does not abrogate the waiting period, when the woman is not allowed to get married to someone else. It would only mean that they reflect on their situation when they are apart. The gift which was given to the man in the first place is no longer applicable. The man should still pay maintenance to his divorcee during her waiting period but it does not follow that he should take her to his own home. Perhaps we should mention here that another purpose of the waiting period is that the woman will have time to do her arrangements. She does not suddenly find herself in the street, if she has no close relatives to whom she may go. But if she is in her own home, this does not apply. In short, if the preachers have nothing more to say about the situation, I find their argument hollow and unacceptable.
• Marriage: Children of second wifeMy second wife is a widow who has had two children by her first husband, a boy and a girl. I am told that when they attain the age of puberty, they are like strangers to me and my first wife. Is this correct?
Whoever told you that does not know what he is talking about. The children of your second wife have a special status in relation to you. If you read Verse 23 of Surah 4 which lists the women a man may not marry, you will find that a man may not be married to the daughter of his wife by another marriage, once he has consummated that marriage. In other words, if you have consummated your marriage to your second wife, her daughter by her first husband will be unlawful to you to marry for the rest of your and her life. You cannot marry her if your second wife dies or is divorced.
The case of your wife's son is different because he is not related to you or to your first wife in any way. He is a stranger to your first wife and will remain so.
• Marriage: Choosing the right spouse
How important is it that a person who wishes to get married should have a permanent job and enough savings to have an expensive wedding? How about a person, who has enough to pay a dower and lead a decent standard of living, but cannot afford a luxurious wedding? What is needed to change the social view that only a wealthy bridegroom is worth considering. May I also ask of a person who feels that he needs to get married but finds himself unable to arrange that? Should he resort to fasting? If so, for how long?
Islam encourages marriage and recommends early marriage for both young men and young women. It lays down a criterion for choosing the right spouse. In the case of a wife, the Prophet, peace be upon him, says: "A woman is sought in marriage for one of four things; her wealth, beauty, family and faith. Make sure to choose the one with strong faith." In this Hadith, the Prophet, peace be upon him, makes it clear that most of the considerations to which people attach great importance when choosing a wife, such as wealth, beauty and family, are of little value.
The important consideration is that she should have strong faith, because that is the one, which shapes her character and makes her a good wife.
Similarly, when a father receives a proposal of marriage for his daughter, he should consider the character of the suitor, not his wealth or family connections. The Prophet, peace be upon him, says: "Should a man whom you find satisfactory with regard to his honesty and strength of faith propose to you for marriage, then give him (your daughter) in marriage. Unless you do that, there is bound to be strife and much corruption in society." Again the Prophet, peace be upon him, does not attach any important to the wealth or position of the man who comes with a marriage proposal. He speaks only of the man’s honesty and strength of faith. The Prophet, peace be upon him, also warns that if we choose different criteria, our society will soon suffer from corruption.
Having said that, I should also explain that these criteria which the Prophet, peace be upon him, outlined are the ones to be given priority. Other considerations also have their importance, although they must never precede the ones the Prophet, peace be upon him, has outlined.
For example, if a family has to choose between two proposals from two persons who both meet the proper standard of honesty and strength of faith, then other factors such as the age of the suitor and his type of job or trade may be given their due importance. Hence, scholars have stressed compatibility as an important basis for accepting or rejecting a marriage proposal.
It is certainly against the teachings of Islam to make marriage difficult for young people by making excessive demands of dower, housing and furniture. These should always be of reasonable standard so that we do not discourage young people from marriage and cause a general delay in the marriage age in society.
This is unfortunately the case in some Muslim countries, where you find most people unable to get married before they reach their late twenties or early thirties. In some cases, people reach 40 years of age before they have a realistic chance of being married. That is a situation, which leads to much corruption.
Fasting is recommended to a young man who feels the urge to get married but is unable to marry for any reason. He is the one to decide how often to fast. There is no specific recommendation on this point. It is when a person feels that he is liable to slip into sin that he should resort to fasting. That weakens his desire and strengthens his resolve to resist any temptation he may be facing.