Could you please explain the relative importance of practices of marriage and which of them are essential for the marriage contract and which are only recommended or voluntary?
Marriage itself is a Sunnah, which means that it is recommended, not obligatory to us. Therefore, if a Muslim does not marry throughout his life, he commits no sin, although he has chosen a course for his life different from that recommended by the Prophet, peace be upon him. The recommendation is made in the strongest of terms, as the Prophet, peace be upon him, says: "Marriage is my way, (i.e. Sunnah) and a person who disdains to follow my way does not belong to me." Yet the emphasis put on the recommendation is only to heighten its desirability. It is not to be understood from this Hadith that a person who remains unmarried throughout his life removes himself from the fold of Islam or even commits a sin.
Divorce on the other hand is permissible but described as unsavory or distasteful. It is permitted because of the need for it. In any society, a proportion of marriages are unsuccessful, due to a variety of reasons, the most common among which is the incompatibility between the characters of the husband and his wife. Therefore, a way out is provided for them through divorce.
The most essential aspect of the marriage contract is the commitment and acceptance. One party, normally the guardian of the bride, makes the commitment by stating that he marries away the woman on whose behalf he is acting to the prospective husband according to the Islamic way and for a specific dower. The bridegroom declares then his acceptance of that commitment and that he has married the woman according to the terms specified. That constitutes the marriage contract. Both commitment and acceptance must be done in the same session, and should not be separated by other matters.
Witnesses must be present at the time of the contract and a minimum of two is required for the purpose. The important aspect is that marriage must be publicized. The minimum publicity is provided by the presence of two witnesses. The witnesses must be present at the time when the commitment and acceptance is made, and they should be sane, adults and must hear the contract being made and understand that it means marriage. Therefore, if a child or a mad or deaf or drunken person witnesses the marriage contract being made, the contract is not valid. The presence of such persons is the same as their absence.
The guardian of the woman to be married should also be present. The Prophet, peace be upon him, says: "No marriage can be made without the presence of a guardian and two proper witnesses." (Related by Ad-Daraqutni). The woman's guardian is normally her father. If her father is present, no one other than him may act for her. If he is dead or absent, then one of her closest relatives should act as her guardian, such as her brother, grandfather or uncle.
The dower is also accessory in the marriage contract. It is a compensation paid to the bride and it becomes her own property and she disposes of it in the way she likes. Its amount is fixed by agreement between the two partners. If a marriage contract is made without the dower being specified, the contract is valid, but the woman does not forfeit her right to receive a dower. If her husband refuses to give her what she asks, then she can put the case to a Muslim judge who will rule that she must be given the equivalent of what is given by way of dower to women in her social status.
A dower can be a very little amount. At the time of the Prophet, peace be upon him, a woman accepted a pair of shoes as her dower. The Prophet, peace be upon him, asked her whether it was her decision and whether she accepts. She answered in the affirmative and he endorsed the marriage. Another woman came to the Prophet, peace be upon him, and declared that she makes a gift of that herself to the Prophet, peace be upon him. A man asked him to marry her to him. The Prophet, peace be upon him, asked him whether he had anything to give her by way of dower. The man said that he had nothing except his dress. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said that if he were to give her his dress, he will have nothing to wear. The man tried to find something to give her but could come up with nothing. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, try to find even a ring of iron, but the man could not find anything. The Prophet, peace be upon him, asked him whether he memorized anything of the Qur'an, the man said he knew several surahs. The Prophet, peace be upon him, allowed the marriage to go through on the condition that the man would teach his wife the parts of the Qur'an he knew.
Another story from the time of the Prophet, peace be upon him, which has been reported by Anas says that Abu Talha made a proposal to marry a woman called Umm Sulaim. She said: "You are a man whom no woman would refuse, but you are a non-Muslim while I am a Muslim. It is not permissible for me to marry you. If you were to become a Muslim I will accept that as my dower and I ask you for nothing else. " He declared that he has accepted the religion of Islam. That was the dower he gave to his wife. All these Hadiths show that it is permissible to give a small amount of money as a dower or even to pay it in the form of rendering a service, such as teaching one's wife some parts of the Qur'an.
Having said that, it may be made clear that there is no maximum limit to what a man may pay his wife by way of dower. The Prophet, peace be upon him, however, has strongly recommended us not to demand excessive dowers. He says: "The best of women are those with pretty faces and cheap dowers." There is a strong indication in that Hadith that the dower should never be related to looks. A woman is not a commodity which a man buys at a price which takes into consideration how pretty she looks. She is a life partner to him and she gives him a benefit for which she is entitled to have compensation.
When the marriage contract is made, it is recommended, (i.e. Sunnah) for someone, preferably the person who instructs the two parties what to say to make sure of the correctness of the contract, to say a few words, reminding the people who are present of Allah and the need to conduct one's life according to Islam. He may quote some verses of the Qur'an which are suitable for the occasion and remind that they should always remain God-fearing.
I have already said that it is important to publicize the marriage. The Prophet, peace be upon him, has also recommended that marriage should be celebrated with some singing. The Prophet, peace be upon him, is also quoted as saying: "The difference between what is legitimate and what is illegitimate is the sound of the tambourine." This again refers to publicity. When people arrange for singing and music they add to the publicity of the marriage, which confirms that the relationship between the man and the woman is a legitimate one. On the other hand, when they are secretive about the marriage, there may be something suspicious in that relationship which could take it into the realm of what is forbidden.
• Marriage: Cultural differences and marital discord
I have been married for 17 years and blessed with four children. My wife is an American with European background, but my family comes from Pakistan. When we got married, neither my wife nor myself cared much about religion. However, I have become more and more oriented toward religion in recent years. I [live in Atlanta, USA but I] have stayed for a year in a Muslim country but my wife and children stayed with me there only for two months. My purpose was that they should be exposed to Islamic culture and methods, but that did not work. Because of my increasing involvement with religious matters and the Muslim community, problems have arisen in our family life. There is much disagreement between my wife and myself concerning numerous matters, such as the schooling and hobbies of my children, how frequently they go to the mosque, etc. I have thought about divorce but it seems to create more problems than it resolves. Please comment.
When you have young children who still need long upbringing, divorce could add new problems to your life, which may be more serious than the ones it solves. My initial reaction to your problem is that divorce seems to be the wrong approach. Your children will be more influenced by their own circumstances and they may easily put the blame for all the difficulties they will face as a result on your religious attitude. Thus, they will come to view religion as divisive in family life. All this will be more pronounced if they are told, which they will be, that prior to your moving to a more pronounced religious attitude, the family enjoyed a life of harmony and which made everyone happy.
You have also to remember that the change you have introduced in your life is a profound one because it affects your social leanings and outlook, as well as the type of people you associate with. Your family may not have felt any of the needs that brought you closer to your faith. Besides, as you say, she knows little about religion altogether.
How is she expected to fall in line with what you have introduced in your life when she does not really understand its importance? If you try to put yourself in her position, you will realize that she may feel that you have changed the rules in the middle of the game. This is not an easy feeling for any one. Moreover, you are living in a non-Muslim country and your children go to school in that country. No child likes to appear different. They prefer to fall in line. Suddenly they are asked to be different and this is not a welcome change.
Having said that, I can appreciate that what is important to you is that your children receive good Islamic education to steer them away from the materialism and the permissiveness that are characteristic of life in the West. You cannot really do this unless you re-establish a proper family atmosphere in your home. To do this in your particular situation, you have to remember that Islam looks at every individual alone. You are not responsible for making your wife and children follow the Islamic faith. Nor is it sufficient for any person to follow Islam because he or she is brought up in a Muslim family. The limits of your responsibility is to teach your family about Islam, to seek for them the best understanding of its principles and beliefs so that they can make the choice of following it. But you have to remember that this is their own choice.
What I recommend you to do is that you should start by re-establishing a pressure-free atmosphere in your family. Your wife and children should feel that there is no imposition on them as a result of your change. That does not mean that you give a false impression of accepting what is unacceptable.
To continue to make your standpoint clear on every matter, but without bringing any pressure to bear on your wife and children to 'toe the line,' as it were. On the other hand, you should begin, preferably after a cooling down interval, to explain religious principles to your family. This may be done at two separate levels, one for your wife and the other for your children. Your declared purpose should be that they receive sound religious education to enable them to choose their way in future. It is good you have time for this as your eldest daughter is 11 now. Your approach should be that of a caring farmer who provides all the necessary care for his plants during the cold winter months in order to have a splendid view of roses and flowers in the spring or a plentiful harvest yield in summer. If the farmer tries to precipitate matters, he will end up with nothing. If he is patient and caring, then the results of his efforts will make all his hard work appear well worth the while. May God enable you to do what is best for yourself and your family.
• Marriage: Disclosing that the suitor is impotent
Should one inform a family that a person who has proposed to their daughter is impotent, or he would be revealing a secret of another person?
If a man knows for certain that a suitor is hiding the fact of his impotence and trying to marry an innocent girl, he should inform her family. His intention must be to prevent cheating. If the suitor does this deliberately, knowing that he will not be able to have a normal relationship with his wife, he will have to account to God for his cheating.
God will satisfy the poor girl and her family and have their complaint redressed on the day of judgment. If the deliberate cheat is proven in court, the man may be punished according to Islamic law. If a third party informs the family beforehand, with the sole aim of warning them against a certain act of cheating, he is only ‘enjoining what is right and helping to forbid what is wrong.’ This is the duty of every Muslim.