When a man and a woman get married, the new relationship imposes certain obligations on each one of them. When you try to evaluate these obligations against the rights that each of them will enjoy, you will find that, generally speaking, it is the man who stands to benefit more by the new relationship. Although Islam maintains equality between men and women and provides a system which helps each of them fulfill the roles for which they are best suited, on balance, the man has more to gain. He establishes a home and a family and is likely to have children and find a comfortable home when he comes back from work. Moreover, he has a partner with whom he may fulfill his natural desire in a legitimate way. In return for this extra benefit, he has to pay a dower to his prospective wife.

I have explained that this is a condition of Islamic marriage. The dower is payable in advance, or at the time of making the marriage contract. If it is specified at the time of the contract, then the amount mentioned is the dower which the woman gets. If it is unspecified, the contract is valid but the wife continues to be entitled to receive a dower. The man and his wife may agree on its amount after marriage. However, if they cannot agree on a specific amount, the woman may refer the matter to an Islamic court which will give her an amount equal to that normally received by women in her social standing when they get married. In other words, the court will consider how much has been given to her sisters and cousins and will order that she be paid an amount similar to them. If a dower is still not paid, it remains due for the wife. When she is divorced, she may claim it. When her husband dies, it is payable to her as a debt. As you know, the first payment out of the estate of any deceased person is the settlement of his debts.

To sum up, dower is paid by the man in return for the benefits he receives as a result of his marriage. Therefore, the dower must be of benefit to the woman herself. She has sole discretion over its usage. She may spend it on her own needs, invest it or keep it. Nobody may harass her either to forego it or to spend it in a particular manner. The benefit which a woman may receive as her dower need not be financial or material. That is the case mentioned with respect to marriage of Abu Talhah, the companion of the Prophet.

Perhaps I should explain here that Abu Talhah was a man of admirable character. This was clearly seen in the battle of Uhud as well as many other situations. In Uhud he was one of those who remained with the Prophet when the bulk of the Muslim army was in disarray. He defended the Prophet most courageously and helped protect him from the determined attack by the polytheists who had resolved to kill him. His was a shining character among the companions of the Prophet. When he proposed to a Muslim lady, she realized that he would make a very good husband. However, he was not a Muslim at that time. She told him that he was not one to be refused, but since he was not a Muslim she could not marry him. If he was ready to be a Muslim, she would not require him to pay her any dower. His embracing Islam was her dower.

There is no doubt that the lady in question has made a great benefit by his marriage. She won to Islam a man of high courage and integrity who was certain to appreciate the value of Islam, once he knew enough about its principles and practices. She certainly hoped for a great reward by Allah. If any woman finds herself in a similar situation and is certain of the character of the man who wants to marry her and follow the example of this lady companion of the Prophet, then her marriage may be blessed. As for tempting a woman to become Muslim in return for marriage, this should be looked at differently. The marriage of Abu Talhah ensured a benefit to the lady in the form of reward from Allah, but the benefit will be the man's when he offers marriage to a woman in return of her becoming a Muslim. The dower should be something which gives her a personal benefit.

Another example of moral benefit which may be considered a dower is the case provided by the Prophet when he was asked by one of his companions what to do when he had no money to give to the woman to whom he had proposed. The Prophet asked him whether he knew any surahs of the Qur'an. When he answered in the affirmative, he made it a condition of the marriage that the man would teach his wife the same surahs of the Qur'an. That was all the dower the man was required to pay. Again here there is a clear benefit to the woman because learning parts of the Qur'an will ensure reward from Allah.

What I mentioned about the system in the Indian sub-continent was that the dower is quite often a nominal sum or a formality which is part of the whole ritual. On the wedding night, the bride declares to her husband that she foregoes her right to the dower. She does this either because she is taught to do so, or as a result of the husband's pleading that he does not have the money. The first letter suggests that I have been misinformed. I might have been, but I go only by what I am told. [Added: No you are not misinformed. In some communities that is precisely the case.] I have received numerous letters from my readers over the years that for a girl to get married, her father or brother must go to the trouble of buying gold or some other stuff to tempt the bridegroom. The more she has, the better her chances of marrying well. I have also heard this from friends who come from that part of the world.

Now that you are mentioning that prevalent system is more in line with Islamic teachings, which makes the dower a condition of the validity of marriage and the amount is actually paid to the bride and she exercises her sole discretion over its usability, I am certainly glad to hear it. It may be the case, however, that both types exist in different parts of the subcontinent. Be that as it may, what we are concerned with here is the Islamic system, not the practice of any particular community.

It is certainly possible for a father to get his daughter married to someone who he thinks is suitable for her. Whether he should force her into any marriage is something totally different. Let me relate this to you: A woman companion of the Prophet, peace be upon him, came to him and said: "My father has married me off to one of his relatives without asking my opinion. I do not wish to stay with this man as his wife." The Prophet, peace be upon him, ordered their separation. When she realized that she was free and that she was no longer married to the man, she said to the Prophet, peace be upon him: "I now accept what my father has done and I am marrying this man. I only did this so that women may know that it is not up to men to marry them off against their wishes."

Scholars have discussed at length the marriage of a young girl who has not attained puberty and whether her father may marry her off without her permission. If such a marriage takes place it is valid. However, it is perhaps best if the marriage is not allowed to be consummated until the girl attains puberty, when she is given the choice whether to continue with this marriage or not. Moreover, her father may not marry her off to someone who is of a lesser status than hers. If he does and she objects, the marriage is not valid. Generally speaking, however, a girl must be asked to express her opinion in any proposed marriage. If she has been married before, then her verbal consent should be requested. If she has not been married previously, then her consent is also to be requested, but if she keeps quiet, her silence is taken as approval.

To say that marriage is valid is not to say that people should go ahead and make such marriages. There may be certain circumstances which make it desirable or advisable that a very young girl should be married off in this manner, but this must not be taken as the normal situation. In marriage, the normal thing is that people should marry when they are of marriageable age. That should not include girls of nine or ten years of age, although some girls may attain puberty that early. Marriage involves certain responsibilities and a very young girl could not be expected to shoulder these. There are also other problems which the girl may face as she grows older. If things go wrong with her marriage, she will always blame her father for having messed up her life, well intentioned though he may be. If you take the example of your own daughter, and you force her to go and live with her husband despite her protestations, you will never be sure whether the marriage will work out well or not. If it does, then well and good. But there is an equal chance that a problem may arise especially with your daughter behaving like the child she is, while her husband expects from her the attitude of a married woman. How could you expect her to overcome the feeling that she has been thrown into this situation without being allowed the slightest say in the whole matter which is to affect the rest of her life?

I have some bad new for you. Your marriage is not valid at all nor is your sister's marriage. This type of marriage is known in Islamic terminology as 'shighar'. Abu Hurairah reports that Allah's messenger, peace be upon him, has forbidden shighar, which means that one man says to another: Marry me your daughter and I will marry you my daughter; or marry me your sister and I will marry you my sister." (Related by Muslim). In another highly authentic Hadith, Abdullah ibn Amr reports that "Allah's messenger (peace be on him) has forbidden shighar which means that one marries his daughter to another on condition that the other man gives him his daughter in marriage, without mentioning any dower." (Related by Al-Bukhari and Muslim). These two Hadiths are perfectly clear in forbidding exchange marriages altogether.

It is not surprising that this is forbidden in Islam, because it is an exchange deal which looks at women as though they were commodities that could be bought and sold. When a woman gets married, she is entitled to receive a dower which becomes her own property and she may dispense with it the way she likes. In such an exchange marriage, a dower is not commonly mentioned. Even if it is mentioned and specified, the condition that the marriage will only go through if the exchange deal goes through is enough reason to invalidate the two marriages altogether.

It is not surprising that you are having problems. You also mention that your sister is having problems as well. May be the reason is due to the fact that both women feel that they were treated like two inanimate objects which were exchanged.

If the marriage is invalid, then there is no way to make it valid. What you have to do is to make it clear to both families that both marriages are not valid. Each of the two women goes back to her family and the two relationships are terminated forthwith. When this has been done, everyone of the four parties, meaning yourself, your sister and the other man and his sister are free to marry other people. Similarly, it is open to you to propose to the women you have described as your wife. Since you have been having problems, most probably you do not wish to do so. That is indeed better. But if you feel that you may have a chance to lead a happy life and you want to marry her, you make your proposal as if there was no relationship whatsoever between the two of you. You agree terms of the marriage without any reference to the past relationship. You agree an amount of dower which you have to pay her and she is free to use that money in the way she likes. There must not be the slightest hint that when your marriage goes through, your sister will be married to your wife's brother in consequence. Otherwise, you would be back in the same situation and both marriages will be invalid.

Perhaps I should explain that a man may marry a woman in the normal way without any third party being involved in any way whatsoever, and the marriage goes through after payment of the dower and the contract being made as Islam describes. Sometime later, it may so happen that one of the relatives of the woman wants to marry a relative of her husband, this is permissible because the two marriages are separate and no condition was attached to the first one that the second one will follow. If there are any such conditions, then the conditions are not valid and there may be doubt about the validity of the marriage itself.